Wednesday, November 10, 2004

brain dead

Three days substance free, and 2 days without sleep.......withdrawls

In all honesty, I never expected this. Stomach pains, sickness, depression ect., these are what I expected. Awake for days on end, exhausted, but unable to sleep, wasnt something I even considered. If anything, I expected the complete oposite, depresion accompanied with drowziness.

The noises of my thoughts, are too loud to sleep through.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Here it comes, like a train...

So here I am 4:41am and wide eyed. This is the start and I know it. Its not hard to miss, it came on like a train. You could feel it in the distance and now that its here there is no doing anything. Its so loud and overwhelming, I need drugs.....I want drugs....I want to sleep.....I can't sleep. I lay down close my eyes and try to sleep, but Im so restless, so... I don't know, I don't know what I am, I'll try to describe it.

Its like a terrible itch you cant seem to scratch, one that keeps you awake and makes your palms sweat. An itch that wont leave your thoughts, because you scratched it before and have the ability to do so but can't because you know itll come again.

This is boarderline insanity, I can't belive how obsessive Ive become. I'm all over the place and can't hold my thoughts together, how did it come to this.....choice.... and Ive clearly made the wrong one.

I found this during these restless hours.

Ms. Crystal Meth

I destroy homes. I tear families apart. I take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more valued than diamonds, more precious than gold. The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold

If you need me, remember, I'm easily found. I live all around you, in school and in town. I live with the rich. I live with the poor. I live just down the road, and maybe next door

I was born in a lab, but, not in one like you think. These labs can fit under your kitchen sink Or in your child's closet, out in the woods. (If this scares you to death, it certainly should.)

I have many names, but there's one you'll know best. I'm sure you've heard of me. My name's Crystal Meth. My power is awesome. Try me, you'll see. But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once, and I might let you go. But if you try me twice, I own your soul

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You'll do what you have to just to get by. The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasures you'll feel in my arms.

You'll lie to your mother. You'll steal from your dad. When you see their tears, you must not feel sad. Just forget your morals, and how you were raised. I'll be your conscious. I'll teach you new ways

I take kids from their parents. I take parents from kids. I turn people from God. I separate friends. I'll take everything from you; your good looks, and your pride. I'll be with you always, right there by your side

You'll give up everything; your family, your home Your money, your friends. You'll be all alone. I'll take and I'll take, 'til you've no more to give. When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live

If you try me be warned: THIS IS NOT A GAME. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravage your body. I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely. Your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed And the voices you'll hear deep inside of your head. The sweats, and the shakes and the visions you'll see; These are for you. They're your gifts from me.

By then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart That you are now mine, and we shall not part. You'll regret that you met me. They always do. But, you came to me, not I, to you.

You knew what would happen. How many times were you told? But you doubted my power. You chose to be bold. You could have said 'no', and then walked away. If you could live that day over; now, what would you say?

My power is awesome, as I told you before. I can take your mother, and turn her into a whore. I'll be your master and you'll be my slave. I'll even go with you when you go to your grave.

Now that you've met me, what will you do? Will you try me, or not? It's all up to you. I've one more thing to say, so please listen well: Once you are mine, I'll take you to Hell.

-Author Unknown


one last go at sleep for the night.....

Monday, November 08, 2004

Looking back....

So here is my first day without substance, and when I say substance, I mean powder. Marijauna will be by my side throughout this experience.... a crutch for a crutch...... but a healthier choice. After all Ive been able to function on marijuana for some time now, with the effects having lost themselves to my high tolerance. Marijuana was always a background high for my friends and I, one on which other highs could be built. It's funny, when you attempt to cease drug use, its hard to think about anything else. Just to set the record straight the only boarder I havent crossed is the injection of heroin for fear of never crossing back. That's not to say I didn't acheive similar highs one way or another. Oxy for instance. This was a drug I knew very well, one that changed my lifstyle for a long time. You see, being surounded by drugs brought about, oppurtunities, intances in which you could capitalize. One such instance, was with a person I met through school away from home. Their family member had a monthly prescription to 50, 40mg OC's which I could purchase at $13 a piece. They didn't like the effects of Oxy and to my excitment enjoyed the medicinal properties of marijuana instead, and this lead to my introduction in to the world of drug trade (the bartering system at its best).

So it worked like clockwork, every 20th of the month I attained $650 or 2 1/2 ounces of some "super cool oregano" and made the trade for my drug of choice. Now if you look at drug prices today you can see that 2 1/2 ounces wasnt gonna cost me no $650. At least with the "hooks" Ive aquired I can get a QP (quarter pound) of some just flat out great pot for $800. Not BC brick weed or some low quality marijuana, this was great stuff, ak-47 was the title of the strain. This was only avialable because I grew up with the growers, my friends of many years. Now you see my spending increased by $150 but the cost was much more managable with the product.

So on the 20th of the month, after all had been done, I would be left with 50, 40 mg Oxys, 1 1/2 ounces of Mary Jane and of course a $800 debt. Lets take a second and look at the street prices of today. A broken up ounce of marijuna will go for $320, $40 1/8. OC's can be sold as high as a dollar per mg. So instantly I would move the ounce keeping the remaining 1/2 as personal for the month. Here I am only $480 dollars in debt. Next the seal would be broke on the Oxy stash. I would sell 20, 40 mg right off to friends that drove 2 hours and would normaly meet me the night of the 20th (As you can see this was a addiction we all shared). So they would take them from me at $25 a piece which is and incredible mark up almost 100%. They inturn would move them at $30-$40. There I'd be, at the end of the 20th day of the month with $20 dollars in my pocket, 1/2 ounce of weed, and 30, 40mg beans of OC. This is what brought me to the next level of addiction.

It started out with me keeping it to the weekends, not letting it interfere with school or family, following the master plan I had laid down. I would party like a rock star 2 days a week and sell the rest for profit. Oh and profit there was, scrapin up the $800 the following month wasn't even a chore. Soon it became a daily ritual, railing Oxy 20-40mg at a time. I would mix it up 60mg some days, 20mg on others, and occasionally a day without. This went on for close to a year and then I started to go dry a day or two before it was time to refill. I had started giving less to my friends and keepin more for myself. I was doing 2000mg of Oxy a month without thinking twice. So of course I dont realize my problem until I dont have enough to be content 50, 40mg couldn't feed my weakness. Im not going to lie, I was a walking zombie living in a dream world. This brings about a good question, where do you turn when your buried above your head in shit. Well, I made the decision to climb out of one pile of shit and dive head first into another pile labeled, Glass (Crystal Meth, Meth, ect.. the list goes on), but thats another story in itself.. one for another day.

A new crutch... to take the place of the old

Sunday, November 07, 2004

What could it hurt?

I've asked this question to myself alot, and for the first time in a long while the anwser is none. The driving force behind this site is to more or less vent all my internal frustrations and angers with the world to whomever (You the face free people that might glance over this and search for intrest).

So it comes down to this, I have lost three close friends, in three weeks. Each one to the vices a group of us shared. Even after morning three friends I am compelled to choose the same path. I'm an adict. I have been a consistent drug user for four years now, and as I look back what a colorful four years its been. I started using drugs I feel to answer questions that I didnt fully understand and in result Im only left with more questions. Today will be the start of my battle with addiction, because I feel that im not a strong enough person to handle what Ive been practicing for so long. I quit, there its is in writting. This will be me remising on past experiences as well as all the information that Ive read and accumulated over the years. A drug journal more or less, started at the end of drug use. We will see what happens...

So Ive decided to step back from the table, to not forget, but to remember and to hopefully find some answers. This will be the end of my first post for I fear to invest too much time into a lost cause.

"I don't take drugs as an escape trick, like some cheap magician on a cruise ship. I take drugs to find gold, like a greedy prospector in the backcountry. There are those who take drugs to be cool and those who take drugs to expand. I am not James Dean. I'm a balloon. And god has a mouth on my hole. And is blowing. And filling me up. One day I will explode. And then I will be free. "

- Robert Sedlack, "The African Safari Papers"

My last shards of glass.....